I Have Mail
For the twentieth time I am watching the movie "You've Got Mail" with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. What catches my attention this time is how positive Meg is about everything while right behind her on the streets of New York two cab drivers who almost have an acccident are screaming at each other and she opens the door to her bookstore talking about what a wonderful day it is to her empoloyee. It is as though nothing has happened and nothing effects her upbeat demeanor. In addition from the beginning of the movie she apparently meets someone online who she is conversing with and feeling as though she might be doing something wrong because she is living with a man. She seems ill matched with her partner and Tom Hanks who is the internet guy seems very different from his rather bitchy female partner who he lives with. As stories go this is one of those comedic love stories that ends happily and where the people who fall in love walk off into the sunset with happiness and elation on their faces, even happy tears shed.
As the movie unfolds so does my own feelings about love and life. If only love were that simple I think to myself. If only we would all end up with the right person, the one we are meant to be with. If only love were like that, so easy and so perfect. We meet that person who is just perfect for us and we ride off into the sunset on the white horse be it in Central Park in New York. Instead much of the time people spend years with the person that is not like them nor have the same interests or passions. People who spend years and years with a person because it is convenient and they just cannot seem to let go and move into their authentic love.
My contention is that there are more people who are in a relationship because otherwise they'd not feel validated or important enough. They think that they have to be with someone to feel like someone special when in reality they are less special in a relationship where they are censored and disconnected from their partner like the ones in this movie. I think we are programed to believe that we must be in a relationship in order to be whole when wholeness does not come from any other person but ourselves. We are complete just as we are and we are complete when we are alone or with someone. We are just as important and complete alone as we are with a partner. This does not mean that we are not cut out to be in a relatonship, but it does mean that we are complete as we are.
The more I watch this same movie the more I realize how important it is to like being in your own skin and being your own company. The more I see how being with the wrong match is killing to the spirit. The more I think that being single is a gift and a chance to become more whole than ever. The more I believe that there does not need to be a match or person or spouse or partner for everyone. The more I feel proud of myself for enjoying every moment without the burden of answering to anyone for any reason. The happier I feel about loving Elliott and knowing that I am loved. Each day is an adventure for me and now it is me against the world and me interacting with the world without censoring and without trying to please anyone else when in fact that cannot be done.
I think about two or three of the people I know who are partnered with someone and who are miserable. They have even hoped that one day their partner would wander off and not come back, living in a situation with another person who is disconnected from them and who they don't seem to be in love with. We see this all the time. We see how people just stay in relationships because of fear and familiarity. The world is full of these types of relationships and I call them "encounters" because for me these types of relationships are not truly connected and honestly loving. They are relationships of convenience and they are relationships that will only end if something or someone blows up rather than for there to be an honest seperation knowing that there is not a good match and not anything of substance anymore. In some cases there may never have been any connection, at least not a profound and truthful one.
As I myself navigate towards the end of my own relationship I realize how much more honest and joyful it is to be alone than to be in a disfunctional relationship. It is painful some days being alone and having to address my health opportunity alone but well worth it in the end. Not selling myself short and being who I really am is more important than hanging on to someone who did not love me. Being along and uncovering who Elliott really is, even enjoying the kind of music I love inside my home through the speakers my brother installed in the living area. Sharing my time with people I love, family and friends alike and looking forward to Christmas. The pain is awful sometimes but the recovery is worth it, for when I do recover Elliott he is a beautiful, soulful, smart, talented and spirit filled man. I love him more each day and feel loved even more than ever. As my grandmother use to say "It is better to be along than ill accompanied".
As the movie unfolds so does my own feelings about love and life. If only love were that simple I think to myself. If only we would all end up with the right person, the one we are meant to be with. If only love were like that, so easy and so perfect. We meet that person who is just perfect for us and we ride off into the sunset on the white horse be it in Central Park in New York. Instead much of the time people spend years with the person that is not like them nor have the same interests or passions. People who spend years and years with a person because it is convenient and they just cannot seem to let go and move into their authentic love.
My contention is that there are more people who are in a relationship because otherwise they'd not feel validated or important enough. They think that they have to be with someone to feel like someone special when in reality they are less special in a relationship where they are censored and disconnected from their partner like the ones in this movie. I think we are programed to believe that we must be in a relationship in order to be whole when wholeness does not come from any other person but ourselves. We are complete just as we are and we are complete when we are alone or with someone. We are just as important and complete alone as we are with a partner. This does not mean that we are not cut out to be in a relatonship, but it does mean that we are complete as we are.
The more I watch this same movie the more I realize how important it is to like being in your own skin and being your own company. The more I see how being with the wrong match is killing to the spirit. The more I think that being single is a gift and a chance to become more whole than ever. The more I believe that there does not need to be a match or person or spouse or partner for everyone. The more I feel proud of myself for enjoying every moment without the burden of answering to anyone for any reason. The happier I feel about loving Elliott and knowing that I am loved. Each day is an adventure for me and now it is me against the world and me interacting with the world without censoring and without trying to please anyone else when in fact that cannot be done.
I think about two or three of the people I know who are partnered with someone and who are miserable. They have even hoped that one day their partner would wander off and not come back, living in a situation with another person who is disconnected from them and who they don't seem to be in love with. We see this all the time. We see how people just stay in relationships because of fear and familiarity. The world is full of these types of relationships and I call them "encounters" because for me these types of relationships are not truly connected and honestly loving. They are relationships of convenience and they are relationships that will only end if something or someone blows up rather than for there to be an honest seperation knowing that there is not a good match and not anything of substance anymore. In some cases there may never have been any connection, at least not a profound and truthful one.
As I myself navigate towards the end of my own relationship I realize how much more honest and joyful it is to be alone than to be in a disfunctional relationship. It is painful some days being alone and having to address my health opportunity alone but well worth it in the end. Not selling myself short and being who I really am is more important than hanging on to someone who did not love me. Being along and uncovering who Elliott really is, even enjoying the kind of music I love inside my home through the speakers my brother installed in the living area. Sharing my time with people I love, family and friends alike and looking forward to Christmas. The pain is awful sometimes but the recovery is worth it, for when I do recover Elliott he is a beautiful, soulful, smart, talented and spirit filled man. I love him more each day and feel loved even more than ever. As my grandmother use to say "It is better to be along than ill accompanied".
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