Grief
If you don't get grief right you will feel incomplete the rest of your life. We must get through our grief because it means that we can then move on. If we hold on to grief or we ignore it we are doing ourselves such an injustice. So many people I have experienced pretend that whatever happens does not effect their emotional body when in fact it does and it can be so serious as to create illness in us. Grief is addressed differently by people but there is really only one way to address it really which is to look it in the eye and admit that you are feeling it. It may be that our society feeds us this notion to "fake it till we make it" grief is not one of those things we should fake not feeling. I believe with all my heart that there are families who not only don't know how to grief they avoid it and conceal it and make it seem like weakness if you are feeling it. Grief is like sadness and sadness cannot be hidden and stuffed down without consequences. Stuffing our grief may seem like a good idea but when we look at all the mental and emotional illness in the world we have evidence that ignoring our feelings of grief our sadness does not work. In fact igonring it leads some of us to anger and anger leads us to do things and say things that are hurtful to us and even to others around us. It is better to feel the weak feelings and surrender to the sadness and process it rather than to hold it in and one day it exploding.
I like to share my stories of grief and I will share this one and protect the people involved. Very recently an elder of a family died. He wanted to be buried next to his wife and actually had a plot ready and paid for so that he could be laid to rest right next to her. Because the family was athiest or close to being non-believers whey convinced him to be cremated. At the funeral wake of one day only the family and some elders from where he resided before he died came to pay homage to a man who was always smiling and always positive. Among the others were people who worked for him or had worked for him. The funeral home was as posh as one could imagine. But there was something missing and that was any speech or ulogy for a man who gave so much to his entire family. Even a poem that was finally posted was not read when it was an opportunity for others to feel their feelings and perhaps grieve for a moment or two. As I looked around it appeared to me more like a cocktail party and suddenly I became so emotional that I went to the bathroom and cried. I was devasted that my grief had to be hidden in a bathroom because no one seemed to want to surrender to the feelings of sadness that are normal in a situation when a beautiful elder passes away. Instead there was this control for the most part and this air of sucking it up and not showing any feeling. Without judgement I now feel sadness for this family who learned to suck up their feelings. At one point in the wake the woman who spent the last ten years of his life with him was tearful and touched by the fact that she had lost her soulmate, someone she loved. The entire time she waited for someone to get up and say something. I even suggested that the elder who wrote the poem read it but that was not welcomed and of course not surprising given the control and lack of overt feelings in the air. Here was a family who were made to believe that feelings of sadness are private or maybe even something to be embarrassed about. Here was a family of people who needed to appear strong and in control because this was a more comfortable way to address grief by not addressing it. I felt and continue to feel a deep sadness for him and for his lady friend who loved him and had an expectation that he would be publicly honored. She like I was shocked at the absense of God or Spirit or Source. She like I was saddned and even angered by it. Since then I have forgiven them and so has she. In fact for me it was simply the knowledge of how this family dynamic worked all along. There was nothing new and there was nothing different and to expect it was simply stupid and silly of me. Everyone expresses their feelings or don't as they choose and the key to life is knowing yourself and being in a place where you feel your feelings in spite of others around you that believe you should not make them public.
There is no shame in grieving and feeling sad. There is no shame in feeling lost when you lose a loved one. In fact it is healing to feel our feelings and allow them to become public because there is no shame in showing our feelings of grief or of joy. We can be boustrous either way and I want to be the one to say that it is OK to cry and it's OK to share your feelings of loss. It is OK for the mother and father of the three month old that died recently to fall to the floor and cry. There is nothing wrong with our feelings of grief and in fact there is something truly sad when people think they have to hide them.
elliott collazo gonzalez
I like to share my stories of grief and I will share this one and protect the people involved. Very recently an elder of a family died. He wanted to be buried next to his wife and actually had a plot ready and paid for so that he could be laid to rest right next to her. Because the family was athiest or close to being non-believers whey convinced him to be cremated. At the funeral wake of one day only the family and some elders from where he resided before he died came to pay homage to a man who was always smiling and always positive. Among the others were people who worked for him or had worked for him. The funeral home was as posh as one could imagine. But there was something missing and that was any speech or ulogy for a man who gave so much to his entire family. Even a poem that was finally posted was not read when it was an opportunity for others to feel their feelings and perhaps grieve for a moment or two. As I looked around it appeared to me more like a cocktail party and suddenly I became so emotional that I went to the bathroom and cried. I was devasted that my grief had to be hidden in a bathroom because no one seemed to want to surrender to the feelings of sadness that are normal in a situation when a beautiful elder passes away. Instead there was this control for the most part and this air of sucking it up and not showing any feeling. Without judgement I now feel sadness for this family who learned to suck up their feelings. At one point in the wake the woman who spent the last ten years of his life with him was tearful and touched by the fact that she had lost her soulmate, someone she loved. The entire time she waited for someone to get up and say something. I even suggested that the elder who wrote the poem read it but that was not welcomed and of course not surprising given the control and lack of overt feelings in the air. Here was a family who were made to believe that feelings of sadness are private or maybe even something to be embarrassed about. Here was a family of people who needed to appear strong and in control because this was a more comfortable way to address grief by not addressing it. I felt and continue to feel a deep sadness for him and for his lady friend who loved him and had an expectation that he would be publicly honored. She like I was shocked at the absense of God or Spirit or Source. She like I was saddned and even angered by it. Since then I have forgiven them and so has she. In fact for me it was simply the knowledge of how this family dynamic worked all along. There was nothing new and there was nothing different and to expect it was simply stupid and silly of me. Everyone expresses their feelings or don't as they choose and the key to life is knowing yourself and being in a place where you feel your feelings in spite of others around you that believe you should not make them public.
There is no shame in grieving and feeling sad. There is no shame in feeling lost when you lose a loved one. In fact it is healing to feel our feelings and allow them to become public because there is no shame in showing our feelings of grief or of joy. We can be boustrous either way and I want to be the one to say that it is OK to cry and it's OK to share your feelings of loss. It is OK for the mother and father of the three month old that died recently to fall to the floor and cry. There is nothing wrong with our feelings of grief and in fact there is something truly sad when people think they have to hide them.
elliott collazo gonzalez
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