Glas Half Full
Today I met with my oncologist after having a full scan of my chest. The results were inconclusive to my understanding because there was not a hundred percent certainty that the nodes that had become larger since the last scan, too small for a biopsy to be completely accurate. There was talk that it was likely cancer but that at this time best to monitor it and heal from the chemo and raditation already administered before. The doctor seemed to feel that it woud be best to heal from the effects of the chemo and radiation from before, perhaps build up my immune system. I left the office with a good friend who'd come with me feeling like it was not terribly bad news and that there is hope. The nodes are not large enough to biopsy and we will simply keep track of what is going on inside my chest. In the meantime I feel almost without symtoms, at least not severe ones other than having trouble with the lyphedema which is a swelling of my leg and foot.
I am now considered disabled and it is a difficult thing to accept and talk about. I don't want to lie to myself or others that there are some days I have a difficlut time walking for any long period of time. My body parts swell and remind me that I am not like I was before. The news today did not do too much to raise my spirits but at the same time I am looking at the "glass half full". Looking at the fact that there are still things I can do, that I am alive and that I am breathing. Thanking god for the little things and the good things in my life. I keep thinking it could have been worse. The doctor could have told me I was going to die in three months or that I was fatal. Even though she stated that if in fact this is cancer as she suspects in part there is not cure there is only managing it. Then I think that yes there is a cure and God is behind that cure. That I can be whole and cured in God's name and that no matter what the facts are the truth is that there are miracles and that I could be cured of this health issue.
Seeing the glass half full is the only way for me to be able to breathe, otherwise I would not be able to breathe and I would then lose hope. My intention is to look at this news and thank spirit that I am OK now and that the cancer has not taken over my body. The doctor feels that if it gets worse that then we will decide on the treatment when and if that time comes. With all that uncertainty I am feeling like it is bettter news than what it could of been. And so tonight I cried my eyes out and texted my daughter. I then emailed my close friends and family about the results and feel like this is it. All I can do it continue to move and keep myself emotionally and physically healing. To keep doing what I can to just get through this and keep living my life. I keep thinking that the other choices are just not good choices for me. I feel sadness, fear, anger and resentments and then I have to decide to let it all go and live. That is the trick to my life now. Deciding to live and deciding to keep going, even deciding moment to moment that I am worth it or worthy.
My heart hurts sometimes. My soul wants to escape and run from all of it. My spirit wants to lay down and give up. My mind wants to scream for mercy and curse God. My knees get weak and at times all I can think of is God help me and guide me because the truth is I canot do it on my own. I need help and I need support from spirit. When I admit it then and only then can I breathe better and feel some form of happiness. I have to stop wishing there was someone in my life who would have loved me through this because the truth is that only God is present and only God is with me at every turn. No one can do this for me that is a human entity like me. Only a higher being can help me to breathe and want to live. Only a higher being can do for me what I cannot do for myself. Only my collaboration with a higher self will save my life or make the rest of it more meaningful.
Elliott Collazo Gonzalez
I am now considered disabled and it is a difficult thing to accept and talk about. I don't want to lie to myself or others that there are some days I have a difficlut time walking for any long period of time. My body parts swell and remind me that I am not like I was before. The news today did not do too much to raise my spirits but at the same time I am looking at the "glass half full". Looking at the fact that there are still things I can do, that I am alive and that I am breathing. Thanking god for the little things and the good things in my life. I keep thinking it could have been worse. The doctor could have told me I was going to die in three months or that I was fatal. Even though she stated that if in fact this is cancer as she suspects in part there is not cure there is only managing it. Then I think that yes there is a cure and God is behind that cure. That I can be whole and cured in God's name and that no matter what the facts are the truth is that there are miracles and that I could be cured of this health issue.
Seeing the glass half full is the only way for me to be able to breathe, otherwise I would not be able to breathe and I would then lose hope. My intention is to look at this news and thank spirit that I am OK now and that the cancer has not taken over my body. The doctor feels that if it gets worse that then we will decide on the treatment when and if that time comes. With all that uncertainty I am feeling like it is bettter news than what it could of been. And so tonight I cried my eyes out and texted my daughter. I then emailed my close friends and family about the results and feel like this is it. All I can do it continue to move and keep myself emotionally and physically healing. To keep doing what I can to just get through this and keep living my life. I keep thinking that the other choices are just not good choices for me. I feel sadness, fear, anger and resentments and then I have to decide to let it all go and live. That is the trick to my life now. Deciding to live and deciding to keep going, even deciding moment to moment that I am worth it or worthy.
My heart hurts sometimes. My soul wants to escape and run from all of it. My spirit wants to lay down and give up. My mind wants to scream for mercy and curse God. My knees get weak and at times all I can think of is God help me and guide me because the truth is I canot do it on my own. I need help and I need support from spirit. When I admit it then and only then can I breathe better and feel some form of happiness. I have to stop wishing there was someone in my life who would have loved me through this because the truth is that only God is present and only God is with me at every turn. No one can do this for me that is a human entity like me. Only a higher being can help me to breathe and want to live. Only a higher being can do for me what I cannot do for myself. Only my collaboration with a higher self will save my life or make the rest of it more meaningful.
Elliott Collazo Gonzalez
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