Mother Love and Hate
I did want to continue this blog for the sake of clarity and to ensure that my readers understand that I love my mom and I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me. All the past anger is gone and all of the hate, love stuff has come to an end thank God. It is that healing that took place that has assisted me in my journey home to where I belong and where I will end up. Forgiveness is key when it comes to mom and dad relationships. I won't go into my dad just because that is yet another story but to say that he did the best with what he had. Today he lives with his girlfriend and his wife in California and I look at him as this person who is in some ways ahead of his time. It's really like he has two wives, at least that is what I last heard. But once again I digress. Perhaps that could be another blog someday.
All the anger that we hold inside is poison and all the anger I held inside for so long poisoned my body part by part. That is why I have this health opportunity. From the last ten years to the past sixty years on and off. From not saying what I wanted and not insisting on making myself important enough to say NO or to surrender to the truth. Anger is a hard thing because on one hand it is natural and OK to me that I get angry. I feel normal and today better at loving myself through the disappointments and the bullying I accepted of others. As I have often said and quoted: "Being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Today I realize that no matter what my mom did or didn't do she did her best. Today I accept that I did my best in the last ten years and that I gave without knowing when to stop and I gave without exceptions and without boundaries. The fact is that it was painful but in the end it worked because I am a new born again person. I love my mother and I can still joke about "she is so evil she will never die", not my quote by the way bur rather someone close to me who will remain nameless.
I figured out that I learned a lot from my mom. I learned how to love without conditions. I learned to present myself and my home with dignity and beauty. I learned that education is not the same as being educated. I learned that there is no other person better than me and that I am not better than anyone else. I learned to fight like a tiger for my life. I learned to joke about the sad things and laugh at myself. I learned to be stronger than I thought and bear more pain than I would have had I not had a mom like her. I learned that I will be healed if I forgive her and others. Like the mom in the story who at one point was running from her son in a forest wearing of all things a wedding dress, I too had a romantic notion of who my mom was. She was a beautiful woman when she was young. Actually she was stunning. She would wear a dress and heels like no other woman ever could and ever has in my lifetime except Lucy and Camille and Taina. Her grace came from hiding the pain and dressing up in a chiffon dress in Tiffany blue of all colors with matching shoes and bling shoe clips. A dress with a cape no less, attached to the back that streamed behind her when she waltzed out the door. I remember standing in front of her and telling her how beautiful she was because inside I knew she did not believe she was beautiful after my father left her with four kids. I still think she is beautiful in her own way. She still takes a lot of pride in how she looks no wonder a son like me.
In the movie the son tells his mother off terribly to the point where even I found it hard to listen to. He shamed her about everything including the way she dressed. He told her he would hate her the rest of his life. I remember thinking some of those nasty little thoughts about my mom. Now I can honestly say that those kids that say there moms are so perfect really have nothing special over me. My mom is just as good as their mother and mine went through the fire to get to where she is now. My mother fought for her life all her life. My mom worked harder than most mothers in jobs she hated. My mom made it in spite of all the trials she endured like two divorces and diabetis. I have a real mom. Enough said.
Elliott Collazo Gonzalez
All the anger that we hold inside is poison and all the anger I held inside for so long poisoned my body part by part. That is why I have this health opportunity. From the last ten years to the past sixty years on and off. From not saying what I wanted and not insisting on making myself important enough to say NO or to surrender to the truth. Anger is a hard thing because on one hand it is natural and OK to me that I get angry. I feel normal and today better at loving myself through the disappointments and the bullying I accepted of others. As I have often said and quoted: "Being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Today I realize that no matter what my mom did or didn't do she did her best. Today I accept that I did my best in the last ten years and that I gave without knowing when to stop and I gave without exceptions and without boundaries. The fact is that it was painful but in the end it worked because I am a new born again person. I love my mother and I can still joke about "she is so evil she will never die", not my quote by the way bur rather someone close to me who will remain nameless.
I figured out that I learned a lot from my mom. I learned how to love without conditions. I learned to present myself and my home with dignity and beauty. I learned that education is not the same as being educated. I learned that there is no other person better than me and that I am not better than anyone else. I learned to fight like a tiger for my life. I learned to joke about the sad things and laugh at myself. I learned to be stronger than I thought and bear more pain than I would have had I not had a mom like her. I learned that I will be healed if I forgive her and others. Like the mom in the story who at one point was running from her son in a forest wearing of all things a wedding dress, I too had a romantic notion of who my mom was. She was a beautiful woman when she was young. Actually she was stunning. She would wear a dress and heels like no other woman ever could and ever has in my lifetime except Lucy and Camille and Taina. Her grace came from hiding the pain and dressing up in a chiffon dress in Tiffany blue of all colors with matching shoes and bling shoe clips. A dress with a cape no less, attached to the back that streamed behind her when she waltzed out the door. I remember standing in front of her and telling her how beautiful she was because inside I knew she did not believe she was beautiful after my father left her with four kids. I still think she is beautiful in her own way. She still takes a lot of pride in how she looks no wonder a son like me.
In the movie the son tells his mother off terribly to the point where even I found it hard to listen to. He shamed her about everything including the way she dressed. He told her he would hate her the rest of his life. I remember thinking some of those nasty little thoughts about my mom. Now I can honestly say that those kids that say there moms are so perfect really have nothing special over me. My mom is just as good as their mother and mine went through the fire to get to where she is now. My mother fought for her life all her life. My mom worked harder than most mothers in jobs she hated. My mom made it in spite of all the trials she endured like two divorces and diabetis. I have a real mom. Enough said.
Elliott Collazo Gonzalez
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