I Was Just Dreaming
Some days I wake up and the first thing that comes to me is "I was just dreaming". All this stuff that has happened in the last year is just a dream. It is not the truth that I have the C word. It is not a fact that someones who said they loved me got up off their asses and left. It is not true that the C has spread and it cannot be true that I have a colostomy bag on my body for the rest of my life. It just cannot be right. It just has to be a dream. Someone played an awfully bad joke onto my body right? I am not wearing a support hose for the rest of my life and my body parts are not so swollen that I cannot walk quite right. It's all a dream. I am just dreaming all of it.
Oh no, shit it's not a dream. Oh my it's all accurate and in fact so real I can taste it and touch it and smell it. It's like stinch. It is there and I cannot deny it. I am a disabled man with some things that sre wrong with me physically and emotionally. I am really carrying a bag with me all the time under the tail of my shirt, hidden like a badge of honor or like a walk of shame. I am wearing a support stocking on my right foot every day and some days, most days I cannot walk very long distances without swelling and becoming uncomfortable. I am really not that person I use to be even a year ago when I had two years of physical traning and looked like a "rock star". Oh wow, I am not dreaming. This is all a reality for me today and now. I cannot hide from it or deny it to myself or anyone else. It has even gotten to the point where I can sense how some are not so comfortable with it. This state of mine. This health opportunity. Even doctors have passed me on and it feels like some would like to not see me again because the treatments were not so kind to me and every detail wasn't explained to me.
But every time I wake up thinking "this is a dream" and understand that it's not I embrace Elliott a little more and a lot longer. I hug him inside his soul and I give him permission to be who he is and not feel like he is damaged goods or a lost spirit. Every time I go from the momentary "this is a dream" and ride the wave to this is life, I feel freer and clearer. I feel less fear and I feel good about the people who walked. I bless them and I understand fully that they did the best they knew to do and that the tools they had are more limited than mine. I am proud because I was the one who everyone thought so little of and as it turns out I am stronger than the rest of them. I am the one who went from victim to survivor and from villian to hero. I am the one who has gone from scared to courageous and from unfaithful to myself to having a mustard seed of faith enough to keep me going. It does not matter that this or that person walked or that this or that person tried so hard to even harm me. What matters is that I can say that I survived it. Not without injuries but without allowing them to take me down.
Today I see a dream but it's not like the one I occassionaly wake up to. It's not the one where I am scared and hopeless thinking about the person who could have loved me through this but rather thinking about how God has loved me through this and that no one could do it better. I listen to meditation music by Liquid Mind and I sway with it knowing that inside the music there is a message of love and hope. I can get through this with or without him or her or them. I can make it without the drama of hate and resentment even if it is merited. I can get through this with ease and grace and God will provide what I need and want. My prayers for perfect health will be responded to and my love of goddess will save me. I have to believe that because getting up in the morning and questioning my exisitance is not a viable option. Getting up and thinking myself less than human is not an option. Thinking myself less than worthy is not an option. Having the courage to put that right swollen foot in front of the left one is an option.
I need to say my peace to those who not only walked away but have tried to harm me. Thank you. You have each proven to me that there is a God and that the heart that I have inside me is the one I am suppose to have beating like a mighty warrior. I want to thank you for the clarity you each provided me with. The clearest message I have ever received in my entire life. I want you to know that God is in charge and not anyone else, not even your actions. I want to share that my spirit is in tact in spite of you being a non believer and in spite of you not having the compassion I needed from everyone around me. I thank you becuase the ones that stayed are mighty and strong and they did not fail me.
So when you wake up in the morning and you think about Elliott and his dream remember that some day you too will dream.
Oh no, shit it's not a dream. Oh my it's all accurate and in fact so real I can taste it and touch it and smell it. It's like stinch. It is there and I cannot deny it. I am a disabled man with some things that sre wrong with me physically and emotionally. I am really carrying a bag with me all the time under the tail of my shirt, hidden like a badge of honor or like a walk of shame. I am wearing a support stocking on my right foot every day and some days, most days I cannot walk very long distances without swelling and becoming uncomfortable. I am really not that person I use to be even a year ago when I had two years of physical traning and looked like a "rock star". Oh wow, I am not dreaming. This is all a reality for me today and now. I cannot hide from it or deny it to myself or anyone else. It has even gotten to the point where I can sense how some are not so comfortable with it. This state of mine. This health opportunity. Even doctors have passed me on and it feels like some would like to not see me again because the treatments were not so kind to me and every detail wasn't explained to me.
But every time I wake up thinking "this is a dream" and understand that it's not I embrace Elliott a little more and a lot longer. I hug him inside his soul and I give him permission to be who he is and not feel like he is damaged goods or a lost spirit. Every time I go from the momentary "this is a dream" and ride the wave to this is life, I feel freer and clearer. I feel less fear and I feel good about the people who walked. I bless them and I understand fully that they did the best they knew to do and that the tools they had are more limited than mine. I am proud because I was the one who everyone thought so little of and as it turns out I am stronger than the rest of them. I am the one who went from victim to survivor and from villian to hero. I am the one who has gone from scared to courageous and from unfaithful to myself to having a mustard seed of faith enough to keep me going. It does not matter that this or that person walked or that this or that person tried so hard to even harm me. What matters is that I can say that I survived it. Not without injuries but without allowing them to take me down.
Today I see a dream but it's not like the one I occassionaly wake up to. It's not the one where I am scared and hopeless thinking about the person who could have loved me through this but rather thinking about how God has loved me through this and that no one could do it better. I listen to meditation music by Liquid Mind and I sway with it knowing that inside the music there is a message of love and hope. I can get through this with or without him or her or them. I can make it without the drama of hate and resentment even if it is merited. I can get through this with ease and grace and God will provide what I need and want. My prayers for perfect health will be responded to and my love of goddess will save me. I have to believe that because getting up in the morning and questioning my exisitance is not a viable option. Getting up and thinking myself less than human is not an option. Thinking myself less than worthy is not an option. Having the courage to put that right swollen foot in front of the left one is an option.
I need to say my peace to those who not only walked away but have tried to harm me. Thank you. You have each proven to me that there is a God and that the heart that I have inside me is the one I am suppose to have beating like a mighty warrior. I want to thank you for the clarity you each provided me with. The clearest message I have ever received in my entire life. I want you to know that God is in charge and not anyone else, not even your actions. I want to share that my spirit is in tact in spite of you being a non believer and in spite of you not having the compassion I needed from everyone around me. I thank you becuase the ones that stayed are mighty and strong and they did not fail me.
So when you wake up in the morning and you think about Elliott and his dream remember that some day you too will dream.
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