Feeling the Feeling
I was watching 20/20 about people looking for their loved ones. This man who was around fifty years old wanted to find his brother who he was left with abandoned by their parents in a basement apartment. The brother was younger and he felt as though he had not protected him. After about a year of searching this woman who looks for people finds his brother after she finally uncovers that the issue was that they were one day off on his date of birth. Finally they call the brother to tell him he was being sought after by his biological brother who was looking for him. To the surprise of th older brother and the woman assisting him his brother responded with anger and suspicion asking if she had his personal information such as his social security number and the like. She assured him that this was not the case or the purpose of the search. He then adamently said he had no interest in meeting his brother and that she or he better not ever contact him. Then he promptly hung up the phone on her. The brother who was looking for him and had agonized about his little brother all his life was devastated and cried insesantly. When he was asked what he would say to his brother had he gotten to meet him or would someday meet him he stated: "That I love him unconditionally amd that I am here for him whenever he needs me at anytime".
The sadness around this story and others of people looking for their loved ones is that no one expects to be rejected. We think that the person we are looking for will eventually be happy to hear from us but some peoplel would rather leave the past in the past and some would not like to feel the feelings because they have avoided them for so long. We don't understand that there are more people than we think that are not feeling their feelings and who are in fact avoiding them. Bringing them back to their childhood is s mistake because the pain of that time is too difficult to feel or be reminded of. So many times we hope that those who are holding the feelings in will someday express them and release them but this outcome is not up to us. This man was prepared to hug and hold his beloved brother and for him this would have likely provided closure but alas this was not meant to happen and his brother was very clear in saying NO. Perhaps he was still in his anger and fear or maybe he was still processing this time in his life, who really can know.
I often think about what it would have been like for every person I experienced in my life to allow themselves to feel their feelings and I allow myself the same priviledge. I think that those couples who actually process their feelings from their past with each other can be the most intimate and loving yet there are more and more couples who say NO like the brother said to his sibling. No matter what you are feeling it should be OK to talk to the one you love about it and be able to do so without fear of judgement. Yet it is more true that we don't do this and that we don't share the truth with the one we love. We hide it in shame only for it to come forward anyway.
Whether it is a friend, lover, spouse or friend it is my hope that we can become more authentic in our interaction with each other. I always love Iyanla's saying "tell the ttuth" because it really expresses the simplist form of relationship. We just have to tell the truth and the rest will fall into place. Even if the truth is not what we would like to hear and even if we cannot control the outcome.
Elliott Collazo
November 2014
The sadness around this story and others of people looking for their loved ones is that no one expects to be rejected. We think that the person we are looking for will eventually be happy to hear from us but some peoplel would rather leave the past in the past and some would not like to feel the feelings because they have avoided them for so long. We don't understand that there are more people than we think that are not feeling their feelings and who are in fact avoiding them. Bringing them back to their childhood is s mistake because the pain of that time is too difficult to feel or be reminded of. So many times we hope that those who are holding the feelings in will someday express them and release them but this outcome is not up to us. This man was prepared to hug and hold his beloved brother and for him this would have likely provided closure but alas this was not meant to happen and his brother was very clear in saying NO. Perhaps he was still in his anger and fear or maybe he was still processing this time in his life, who really can know.
I often think about what it would have been like for every person I experienced in my life to allow themselves to feel their feelings and I allow myself the same priviledge. I think that those couples who actually process their feelings from their past with each other can be the most intimate and loving yet there are more and more couples who say NO like the brother said to his sibling. No matter what you are feeling it should be OK to talk to the one you love about it and be able to do so without fear of judgement. Yet it is more true that we don't do this and that we don't share the truth with the one we love. We hide it in shame only for it to come forward anyway.
Whether it is a friend, lover, spouse or friend it is my hope that we can become more authentic in our interaction with each other. I always love Iyanla's saying "tell the ttuth" because it really expresses the simplist form of relationship. We just have to tell the truth and the rest will fall into place. Even if the truth is not what we would like to hear and even if we cannot control the outcome.
Elliott Collazo
November 2014
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