BREAK DOWN OR BREAK OPEN
I was speaking to a friend on the phone and as is usual both her and I learn something from one another. She expresses such gratitude for my input in her life and attributes some of her successes to the talks we have had long distance. I come away each time with something of a good feeling and in all honesty feel like I have more of a purpose in life. It is hard for me to say who gets the most benefit her or I. All I know is that this last time she made this statement to me that stuck with me and that I wanted to make sense of and to see how it was aligned with my work and my writing. She said:
"break down or break open". I thought about what that could mean after I'd shared with her that the alternative to giving up and cashing it all in was just not an option for me. She then complimented me and asked me if I was always that confident to which I had to be honest and say NO. The truth is that I struggled with my confidence but moreover what was the right thing for me to do on a dialy basis. I have lately felt that the alternaive to breaking down was to get up and dust myself off and keep going doing the best that I could do, so these words: Break Down or Break Open truly rang a big bell in my head. That is right! Break down or break open. Break down or break through it. Break down or break open a solution and new way of living. Break open every idea and every action I could think of that would release me of the prison I put myself in.
Break down or break open means that we do what we have to do rather than to lay down and die or give up. When I look at my own choices wth my cancer battle I know that I finally had to break open after I broke down and the truth is that there were many breakdowns. Perhaps there needed to be many break downs before I could break open in my case. I believe that this is what needed to happen. I had to deal with the emotionaly pain, the abandonment and the physical pain. I had to fall apart in ways I'd never fallen before, on my knees and sobbing in the bathroom floor and in the shower, crying like a baby, whaling like an injurred animal. I broke down before I broke open. Everyting that happened beforehand had to happen in order for me to break out. In order for me to break free. I am still breaking down and breaking open, luckily realizing that breaking open is the part that is going to keep me breathing and alive. The breaking open is what is going to save my sorry ass as they say.
Still I have the break downs. Some have been costly both emotionally and financially. I drove my car at higher speeds than I should have. I drove when I was sleepy and tired as hell. I broke down crying in front of my children and in front of doctors. I cried in my car and silently in the bathroom wheen someone was in the next room. I cried and thought about how unfair it was to me to have to go through this but I had to break down. I needed to have that experience. I had to drag myself out of the bed and comb my hair and have a breakthrough while asking God to please help me and to save me from this anquish. But after I broke down I had a choice. I could stay broken or I could break out of the cage I put myself in. The pain pills never really take the emotional pain away. You can get a break from the pain but the pain meds are not going to help you break open. If anything the actual pain will break you open. Your heart will open. Your soul will open. Your spirit will open up. The journey will break you open, release you and save you.
So if you ever feel like you have to make a choice to break down or break open remember that you don't have to chose right away. Maybe you need to have the break down before you have the break through. Maybe you need to break down to break open and like my friend break all the way down and then break all the way open.
elliott collazo gonzalez
"break down or break open". I thought about what that could mean after I'd shared with her that the alternative to giving up and cashing it all in was just not an option for me. She then complimented me and asked me if I was always that confident to which I had to be honest and say NO. The truth is that I struggled with my confidence but moreover what was the right thing for me to do on a dialy basis. I have lately felt that the alternaive to breaking down was to get up and dust myself off and keep going doing the best that I could do, so these words: Break Down or Break Open truly rang a big bell in my head. That is right! Break down or break open. Break down or break through it. Break down or break open a solution and new way of living. Break open every idea and every action I could think of that would release me of the prison I put myself in.
Break down or break open means that we do what we have to do rather than to lay down and die or give up. When I look at my own choices wth my cancer battle I know that I finally had to break open after I broke down and the truth is that there were many breakdowns. Perhaps there needed to be many break downs before I could break open in my case. I believe that this is what needed to happen. I had to deal with the emotionaly pain, the abandonment and the physical pain. I had to fall apart in ways I'd never fallen before, on my knees and sobbing in the bathroom floor and in the shower, crying like a baby, whaling like an injurred animal. I broke down before I broke open. Everyting that happened beforehand had to happen in order for me to break out. In order for me to break free. I am still breaking down and breaking open, luckily realizing that breaking open is the part that is going to keep me breathing and alive. The breaking open is what is going to save my sorry ass as they say.
Still I have the break downs. Some have been costly both emotionally and financially. I drove my car at higher speeds than I should have. I drove when I was sleepy and tired as hell. I broke down crying in front of my children and in front of doctors. I cried in my car and silently in the bathroom wheen someone was in the next room. I cried and thought about how unfair it was to me to have to go through this but I had to break down. I needed to have that experience. I had to drag myself out of the bed and comb my hair and have a breakthrough while asking God to please help me and to save me from this anquish. But after I broke down I had a choice. I could stay broken or I could break out of the cage I put myself in. The pain pills never really take the emotional pain away. You can get a break from the pain but the pain meds are not going to help you break open. If anything the actual pain will break you open. Your heart will open. Your soul will open. Your spirit will open up. The journey will break you open, release you and save you.
So if you ever feel like you have to make a choice to break down or break open remember that you don't have to chose right away. Maybe you need to have the break down before you have the break through. Maybe you need to break down to break open and like my friend break all the way down and then break all the way open.
elliott collazo gonzalez
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