Die Once
"They can only kill you one time"
I am unsure as to which rapper made this statement but it moved me like hell. They can only kill you one time! God bless it! That's so true. Only one time. I would add: They can only kill my spirit one time. They can only kill my joy one time. I want to start a motto about this one time thing. The fact is we only die one time and some of us can only be emotionally killed only one time. For some of us being killed emotionally ends our life, like my sister who committed suicide based in part on what her husband thought of her. All the name calling: "bitch, whore" and other demeaning comments on his part persuaded her that she was just not good enough to live. That is what I believe and I was there to witness some of the abuse. Perhaps what she felt was that he could only kill her one time yet she was emotionally killed many times over. I will never forget that day when I was called by the "hospital" telling me ai needed to go to this address because my sister was in very bad shape. They would not tell me she was already dead. By the time I got to the address which ended up being the county morge my brother was outside crying and I knew then that what I thought was a nightmare was true, my sister was dead at 22 years of age. A beautiful woman with long dark straight hair, beautiful skin and a huge heart was gone and now her seven year old son would be left without a mom. In here case she was killed over and over until her literal death at her own hands.
I write thise blogs not so much for myself but I have to be honest and say that it is out of relief that I do so. I blog stories that hurt and might make me cry. I write about things that are unpleasant and things that are dark. I write about things that bring back some memories yet each is healing me more and more each day. Today I was on the phone with my daughter sharing what I felt with her and announcing how I had overcome a dark morning until I started to feel joy beyond what I could even imagine knowing that because someone did not show up for me whom I loved and nutrured did not make me wrong, bad or unworthy. I went from getting up with uncertainty in my soul to feeling like I could jump over a six foot fence easily. What made a difference for me was that I decided that I was not going to die over my situation both physically or emotionally. I knew at some moment when I dressed myself and left the house to go to the gym and then to the stores to get things I needed that no one can make me feel that way unless I allowed it. That the insults and the ignorance of any person in my life was not making me who I am but rather I make and God decides who I am. I can only die once emotionally and physically. Just one time.
I am unsure as to which rapper made this statement but it moved me like hell. They can only kill you one time! God bless it! That's so true. Only one time. I would add: They can only kill my spirit one time. They can only kill my joy one time. I want to start a motto about this one time thing. The fact is we only die one time and some of us can only be emotionally killed only one time. For some of us being killed emotionally ends our life, like my sister who committed suicide based in part on what her husband thought of her. All the name calling: "bitch, whore" and other demeaning comments on his part persuaded her that she was just not good enough to live. That is what I believe and I was there to witness some of the abuse. Perhaps what she felt was that he could only kill her one time yet she was emotionally killed many times over. I will never forget that day when I was called by the "hospital" telling me ai needed to go to this address because my sister was in very bad shape. They would not tell me she was already dead. By the time I got to the address which ended up being the county morge my brother was outside crying and I knew then that what I thought was a nightmare was true, my sister was dead at 22 years of age. A beautiful woman with long dark straight hair, beautiful skin and a huge heart was gone and now her seven year old son would be left without a mom. In here case she was killed over and over until her literal death at her own hands.
I write thise blogs not so much for myself but I have to be honest and say that it is out of relief that I do so. I blog stories that hurt and might make me cry. I write about things that are unpleasant and things that are dark. I write about things that bring back some memories yet each is healing me more and more each day. Today I was on the phone with my daughter sharing what I felt with her and announcing how I had overcome a dark morning until I started to feel joy beyond what I could even imagine knowing that because someone did not show up for me whom I loved and nutrured did not make me wrong, bad or unworthy. I went from getting up with uncertainty in my soul to feeling like I could jump over a six foot fence easily. What made a difference for me was that I decided that I was not going to die over my situation both physically or emotionally. I knew at some moment when I dressed myself and left the house to go to the gym and then to the stores to get things I needed that no one can make me feel that way unless I allowed it. That the insults and the ignorance of any person in my life was not making me who I am but rather I make and God decides who I am. I can only die once emotionally and physically. Just one time.
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