Relationship Longevity
Last Saturday friends came by with a buffet of lunch for me, a wonderful couple who have been together for 22 years. At one point in our conversation one of the men in the relationship mentioned that he is always asked what their secret to longevity in relationship is? He began by stating that there is no secret and that in a word it's just about "committment". He proceeded to elaborate that committment means you both want to be here and you agree that you both want to be in the relaitonship. Of course, that makes perfect sense!
As I started to write his response down he added that each person has to ask themselves at least once a week what they are doing to fulfill their partner's needs. Don't take it for granted that this person is having their needs met but really intentionally focusing on that person's needs. I added that one might ask once a week: "How can I best meet your needs in this relaitonship"? Asking will ensure that there is not a guessing game but rather a truly honest interaction to find what it is that makes each person feel full and loved. Other types of questions could be:
How am I doing in relationship with you?
Are you content with my efforts in our relationship?
What could I be doing better and more lovingly in our relationship?
I think many are fearful of these questions because it would mean that they might actually have to show up in relaitonship. Questions like this can be scary and intimidating but they should be asked. They can only serve both parties and create a more harmonious connection.
Relationship I added is not about making someone wrong. I have often times seen this dynamic in relationship and it looks and feels uncomfortable and unkind. One person begins a conversation, the other party disagrees and then it becomes a tit for tat, each one working hard at making the other wrong. It is more of a competition than a collaboration or a loving conversation or just a nice debate. I think we can all agree to not agree without making the other person the enemy. I think we can all agree to the fact that this is not productive relationship stuff. If we can just work more at understanding our differences and accepting them we can then have a fully caring and compassionate connection.
Then my friend talked about "honoring the other person's emotions and feelings". Now there's a magical formula for success in relationship! There is a wonderful and magical way to hold relaitonship. We often times forget to honor the feelings rather than to criticize or excuse the feelings and emotions. We often times negate the emotions and even label them as stupid or bad or having no validity. We don't do this to ourselves but we do it to the one we love. We turn it into a fight about whether that person has a valid reaason to feel jealous or angry. We turn it into an argument about whether that person has a reason to feel upset, instead of accepting it and honoring the feelings no matter what we think. Now there is a formula for success, another great way to hold relationship and be successful at it. Coming from a man who has been with his partner for 22 years no less. I say I for one see this notion of honoring our partners emotions as common sense.
What you do impacts your relationship he shares. Now there is a brilliant share. Of course everything we do impacts our relationship. And if that is true then we need to be careful of what we do and say because what we do and say impacts relationship. Of course we will make mistakes but even then we must be willing to aplogize and make amends. If we go out and spend too much of the collective income that impacts the finances. If we go out on our spouse with someone else that opens up some wounds in relationship. If we refuse to do our part in the home that impacts the telationship. IF we are always in a funk this impacts our relationship. If we are always negative or if we are always screaming it impacts the relationship. What we do impacts not just us but our partners. Keeping this in mind will make for a more harmonious,loving and fabulous connection.
In summary I want to thank my friend for sharing these revelations with me about relationship. As I end one relationship and begin anew I realize that I made so many mistakes. I did so many things to sabotage my relationship and I did not realize that I could have left it without so much drama or so much anger or so much of a heavy heart. Now I can continue to pray for my former person. Now I can start anew in a space of knowing more of what makes a relationship work. Some of these things I have always known. Now I am wiser and know better. This is the magic of wisdom and hindsight.
As I started to write his response down he added that each person has to ask themselves at least once a week what they are doing to fulfill their partner's needs. Don't take it for granted that this person is having their needs met but really intentionally focusing on that person's needs. I added that one might ask once a week: "How can I best meet your needs in this relaitonship"? Asking will ensure that there is not a guessing game but rather a truly honest interaction to find what it is that makes each person feel full and loved. Other types of questions could be:
How am I doing in relationship with you?
Are you content with my efforts in our relationship?
What could I be doing better and more lovingly in our relationship?
I think many are fearful of these questions because it would mean that they might actually have to show up in relaitonship. Questions like this can be scary and intimidating but they should be asked. They can only serve both parties and create a more harmonious connection.
Relationship I added is not about making someone wrong. I have often times seen this dynamic in relationship and it looks and feels uncomfortable and unkind. One person begins a conversation, the other party disagrees and then it becomes a tit for tat, each one working hard at making the other wrong. It is more of a competition than a collaboration or a loving conversation or just a nice debate. I think we can all agree to not agree without making the other person the enemy. I think we can all agree to the fact that this is not productive relationship stuff. If we can just work more at understanding our differences and accepting them we can then have a fully caring and compassionate connection.
Then my friend talked about "honoring the other person's emotions and feelings". Now there's a magical formula for success in relationship! There is a wonderful and magical way to hold relaitonship. We often times forget to honor the feelings rather than to criticize or excuse the feelings and emotions. We often times negate the emotions and even label them as stupid or bad or having no validity. We don't do this to ourselves but we do it to the one we love. We turn it into a fight about whether that person has a valid reaason to feel jealous or angry. We turn it into an argument about whether that person has a reason to feel upset, instead of accepting it and honoring the feelings no matter what we think. Now there is a formula for success, another great way to hold relationship and be successful at it. Coming from a man who has been with his partner for 22 years no less. I say I for one see this notion of honoring our partners emotions as common sense.
What you do impacts your relationship he shares. Now there is a brilliant share. Of course everything we do impacts our relationship. And if that is true then we need to be careful of what we do and say because what we do and say impacts relationship. Of course we will make mistakes but even then we must be willing to aplogize and make amends. If we go out and spend too much of the collective income that impacts the finances. If we go out on our spouse with someone else that opens up some wounds in relationship. If we refuse to do our part in the home that impacts the telationship. IF we are always in a funk this impacts our relationship. If we are always negative or if we are always screaming it impacts the relationship. What we do impacts not just us but our partners. Keeping this in mind will make for a more harmonious,loving and fabulous connection.
In summary I want to thank my friend for sharing these revelations with me about relationship. As I end one relationship and begin anew I realize that I made so many mistakes. I did so many things to sabotage my relationship and I did not realize that I could have left it without so much drama or so much anger or so much of a heavy heart. Now I can continue to pray for my former person. Now I can start anew in a space of knowing more of what makes a relationship work. Some of these things I have always known. Now I am wiser and know better. This is the magic of wisdom and hindsight.
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