WWMS (What Would Marilyn Say)
"A girl doesn't need someone who doesn't need her."
Marilyn Monroe
That's what Marilyn would say! And boy do I love this one, I have to say. Having been in two ten year marriages does not make one the expert but my experience was that when a person needs you and sees your value as a human being a relaitonship is much more equal. When one person thinks themselves superior and behaves in ways as though they don't need you but rather you need them, then it makes for an inequitable relaitonship. A much happier connection with another person comes from their need to love and be loved. It comes from their need to be with you and honor you and see how important you are in the mix.
Many women have come to me and complained that their partner does not need them nor do they say they do. Women like any man would like to know that she provides something of value in a relationship and that her guy needs her and thinks that what she contributes is great stuff. No one wants to feel like they are just there and not doing anything to facilitate a wonderful and magical contribution to love. No one wants to feel like they are not doing something or maybe even many things in their actions that bring fullness to the relationship and to their spouse or lover.
I often take my story to demonstate and I am certain some might be filled to the hilt with my stories. I like do reveal my story because it helps me to be vulnerable and more honest. In my first relaitonship with a woman, the mother of my children, I felt like she needed me. I drove the car to the grocery store because she did not have an interest in driving. I cleaned the home because she was a great cook. I picked her special clothing for parties and going out dancing and she appreciated it and often would tell others how lucky she was to have me do that for her. Others would sight what a wonderful partner I was for my contribution to the home and to the way she looked so beautiful. I felt wanted and I felt needed and I think peopld do want to feel needed and women are no exception. They want to feel needed and wanted and especially acknowledged for the gifts they bring to us as men. It just makes sense and Marilyn says it clearly in this quote.
On the converse I was in a realtionship with a man for ten years. For those ten years I was never once made to feel like I was needed and that what I contributed was of value. Well, maybe once a year at the most or twice, however most ot the time it was as if I were not there. The times that I was needed was at night either for sex or to serve him with a massage. It was something that wore on my esteem and made me feel like a fixture rather than a husband or wife. It was difficult to live that life style and to not be seen or heard. It was painful to be given names that were not mine and in some cases insults that were coached in a joke. Today I realize that it is best that I am alone and that I don't want to be with any person who does not need me and see me.
I think what Marilyn is really saying is not just that she needed someone to need her and that we need someone to need us as well but rather that she wanted to be seen and seen as valuable asset in a relaitonship just as we all would, especially women who can be more atuned to that spiritual aspect of love. I am likely in the middle of the road where I did not need to be needed all the time but at least once in a while have my partner and husband acknowledge me and say what he appreciated about me. I decorated the home, I cleaned it and I sometimes even cooked. I made a mean ass table with all the trimmings and would decorate a beautiful Christmas tree like it stepped out of a magazine. I masssged him and did most of what he liked to do. I aeccepted his fiends as they were. All that I needed was to be acknowleged. That rarely happened. Yet today what I feel is a feeling of sadness for him. All my family loved and embraced him fully and he had something very valuable. It is too bad that when I became less than super healthy he cleared out and checked out, but not for me, for him. Love is never perfect but as Marilyn would say "A girl (person) doesn't need someone who doesn't need her. And I say "I can be lonely all by myself".
Stand up for who you are in your marriage ladies. Insist on being acknowledged and needed and given your due. Don't wait for ten years to figure it out bur rather move on when you see that you are not valued and seen and heard and needed. It is all the same thing. To all the women who have suffered that kind of ignorance I say I know how it feels. Yet when it is over you will become a better person.
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