Changing Him or Her
I started this day with The Book of Awakening and the message was one that I felt I needed to hear. One cannot change anyone no matter what we think. He talks about a friend whose ways were less than pleasant and that he ignored. He kept being friends with this person regardless of his emotionally weight. We all know that story. He then stated that he stayed inside that friendship for much too long. It seems he became exhausted with whatever character traits this person had that may not have been aligned with his own.
I had to admit that I had stayed in a relationship way too long. I stayed in a relationship for so long that it not only hurt me it made me an angry person. I tired myself out trying to say and ask for what I needed from this person for ten long years and nothing changed at all. Still I ignored it just like Nepo ignored his friend's ways of being that were hurtful or burdensome. I knew in my heart that I played my part in the charade and that the truth was that I brought things onto myself. I could of at any time let the truth come out and seen the writing on the garage but I decided not to. I decided I would change this person and that someway and somehow I would get around the character trait and come up breathing. In turns out that I ended up with cancer and that it was completely tied into my denial and my experiences inside the relationship.
Eventually not only did my relationship end, it ended with a "bang". It ended in ways that no one wants any relationship to end. It ended with depression and despair. It ended with sadness and resentments. It ended with a hard scream and many a tear. It had to end this way because when I was in the relationship I ignored the obvious signs. I saw them clearly in front of me but made a decision to keep holding on to what I could not tell you.
No one is at fault. Neither one of us is really to blame. If I were to secure my ego I would place all the blame on the other person but the reality is that all of the responsibility is mine. I knew at every turn that if I stayed I would continue to see the same results and I stayed.
And so what I have to say to others is that you see the signs and please not to ignore them. You can see the writing and just listen to the words. When it is saying that you are in a relationship that is not in your highest place and bringing you joy and laughter, adding to your joy, then you are not in the best situation. Consider getting out early and not waiting for ten or fifteen years into it. That is way too long to think about changing a situation you likely know is not fixable. Become your own person prior to the separation. Make your plan to include the steps that you will take to flourish after the relationship ends. Find interests that are yours alone and begin to let go with ease, slowly and steadily. If you feel you are in emotional danger or physical danger get the help you need, the mentorship of experts in that area. Consider leaving sooner if you feel that you or your children are in danger. You are not going to change that person that you are with. No one can change that person except themselves. Nothing will change the situation but to leave it and bless it. As I said yesterday live in love, live in the love zone. Address things with love for yourself especially.
My blog is about everything but is more focused on women. Women are more likely to be loyal and attempt to change men. Their feminine more nurturing nature makes it so that they try to change their partners. They tend to be more loyal. They tend to want to make things work because of their children. The truth is that rarely do things change and a situation that looks bleak for years is bleak and needs to be left alone not cured.
My last experience has "cured me" I often share with others. I am cured of wanting to change anyone at all, not a friend or foe. I don't have any desire to change others to make them say or do things that I deem loving or attentive. I no longer waste my time and energy attempting to make people into someone they are not. I just don't. As a result I have focused on Elliott and what I can change in myself. As an addict of relationship and love I am focusing on loving Elliott the most of all. I am becoming more of what I was meant to be. Not only because I was in the wrong situation for many years but because during that time I was not focused on myself when I could have been and maybe should of been. Now I am not stuck on what I could of or should of done. Now I am focused on what I can do and what will honor Elliott moment by moment including enjoying a walk on a lovely day like today and writing this blog.
I had to admit that I had stayed in a relationship way too long. I stayed in a relationship for so long that it not only hurt me it made me an angry person. I tired myself out trying to say and ask for what I needed from this person for ten long years and nothing changed at all. Still I ignored it just like Nepo ignored his friend's ways of being that were hurtful or burdensome. I knew in my heart that I played my part in the charade and that the truth was that I brought things onto myself. I could of at any time let the truth come out and seen the writing on the garage but I decided not to. I decided I would change this person and that someway and somehow I would get around the character trait and come up breathing. In turns out that I ended up with cancer and that it was completely tied into my denial and my experiences inside the relationship.
Eventually not only did my relationship end, it ended with a "bang". It ended in ways that no one wants any relationship to end. It ended with depression and despair. It ended with sadness and resentments. It ended with a hard scream and many a tear. It had to end this way because when I was in the relationship I ignored the obvious signs. I saw them clearly in front of me but made a decision to keep holding on to what I could not tell you.
No one is at fault. Neither one of us is really to blame. If I were to secure my ego I would place all the blame on the other person but the reality is that all of the responsibility is mine. I knew at every turn that if I stayed I would continue to see the same results and I stayed.
And so what I have to say to others is that you see the signs and please not to ignore them. You can see the writing and just listen to the words. When it is saying that you are in a relationship that is not in your highest place and bringing you joy and laughter, adding to your joy, then you are not in the best situation. Consider getting out early and not waiting for ten or fifteen years into it. That is way too long to think about changing a situation you likely know is not fixable. Become your own person prior to the separation. Make your plan to include the steps that you will take to flourish after the relationship ends. Find interests that are yours alone and begin to let go with ease, slowly and steadily. If you feel you are in emotional danger or physical danger get the help you need, the mentorship of experts in that area. Consider leaving sooner if you feel that you or your children are in danger. You are not going to change that person that you are with. No one can change that person except themselves. Nothing will change the situation but to leave it and bless it. As I said yesterday live in love, live in the love zone. Address things with love for yourself especially.
My blog is about everything but is more focused on women. Women are more likely to be loyal and attempt to change men. Their feminine more nurturing nature makes it so that they try to change their partners. They tend to be more loyal. They tend to want to make things work because of their children. The truth is that rarely do things change and a situation that looks bleak for years is bleak and needs to be left alone not cured.
My last experience has "cured me" I often share with others. I am cured of wanting to change anyone at all, not a friend or foe. I don't have any desire to change others to make them say or do things that I deem loving or attentive. I no longer waste my time and energy attempting to make people into someone they are not. I just don't. As a result I have focused on Elliott and what I can change in myself. As an addict of relationship and love I am focusing on loving Elliott the most of all. I am becoming more of what I was meant to be. Not only because I was in the wrong situation for many years but because during that time I was not focused on myself when I could have been and maybe should of been. Now I am not stuck on what I could of or should of done. Now I am focused on what I can do and what will honor Elliott moment by moment including enjoying a walk on a lovely day like today and writing this blog.
Comments
Post a Comment