Who I Really Am

This afternoon I received the results to my chest CT scan and unfortunately the doctor has stated that it is likely cancer.  Still to me the test seems odd because while one spot got larger there was one that disappeared.  The explanation is that it depended on the angle I was laying and other variables.  I asked that there be another CT scan and it is scheduled for November 24, however, I am thinking of canceling it until a bit later after the holidays.  My body does not seem to feel like going through more chemo and an even stronger form of it.  Then to finish me off I was told there is not cure for this type of cancer.  At best it is kept at bay.  It has given me pause and I feel my body and spirit saying not yet and not now, not quite so fast.

So tonight I read from Miracle Prayer and it talks about Who we think we are vs who we really are.  At the end of the chapter it asks the reader to make a list of who we think we are and who we really are.  It gives examples like:
Who I think I am
A man with a master's degree in Spiritual Pyschology
Who I really am:
A child of god who is loved and nurtured by the universe
I look at the two samples and I what I get from each one is that who I think I am is not who I really am and that who I think I am is the ego and who I really am is the spiritual part of me.  And so as I think about who I think I am I would come up with such things like:
A father of two daughters
An articulate person
An educated man with lots of opinions about life
A neat organized man who keeps things in order
And whenn I look at who I really am at my core or deepest level I would say:
I am a child of god who loves and deserves to be loved.
I am a spiritual being with beliefs that heal me.
I am a gift to the universe
I am the holy spirit in action
The things I think I am are superficial and are based on the things I accomplished or the things that I represent but who I really am is a much more complex being with a heart and soul.  Who I really am is health and  prosperity and good will.  Who I am not is my illness: cancer.
As I look at what it means to know who I really am and who we really are this digs at the deeper parts of me, my soul and my heart.  It is not about the staus I use to thrive on like the education I have and hte degrees I received but more about the love I have learned and the lessons I have been able to partake in.  When I think deeper and harder about who I really am I see that I am not my story or my pain but rather my love for life.  I am a miracle and a beautiful spirit that can fly highest when I am in a place of love.  I am not my medications and my illnesses.  I am a source of healing.
In order to figure out what I am I need to know what I am not.  I am not just a name I am a person of value that is here to serve others.  I am not a smart articulate man I am a loving man.  I am not a high paid employee, I am a sheppard of Goddess.
We have to know who we are in order to become more of who we are.  We must know that we are not just a name and a job or a house but a spirit and an important part of making this world a better place to live in.
The diagnostic test that tells me I have these spots on me are not who I am.  They are part of a test that doetors do to determine if one is at risk or not.  Who I am is a vibrant personality that feels as though this is just a test and that how I feel and how I live my life is what matters.
Each of us can decide who we really are and each of us can go beyond the surface stuff like our name and age.  We are so much more than our name or our age or our profession.  We are so much more than a blue eyed person or a brown haired man.  We are an entire universe with the  power to change the state of the world and to change the very core of who we are.  Who we really are is a child of god flawed yet perfect as we are, acceptable to God just as we are.
Elliott Collazo Gonzalez