Only Two Choices
"You can either do things that make you happy or do things that make you suffer".
From: Mircacle Prayers by Susan Shumsky
I want to add to this: And you can "shine bright like a diamond" (Rihanna) or you can dim your light so that others feel comfortable or you are more "consumable".
This is how it went today for me. I woke up thinking that yesterday I'd been given my death sentence for my usual sixty seconds. Then I decided that just because one doctor thinks me cancerous and not curable that there is always the hope and the dream that I could become a healthy flourishing man, the one I am suppose to be. I can shine bright like a diamond and do things that make me happy like making myself a green smoothy and going to the gym to do the best workout possible in my beautifully limited way.
There is this revelation that you come to when you are with cancer and sixty and your husband walks out on you emotionally then physically. The revelation comes to you in a dream usually but mine just came to me while I was drinking my coffee one morning some months ago: I can chose to be happy or I can chose to be sad and suffer and be a fucking victim. I could be the "victim" that my husband told me I was or I could chose to be happy with the right here and now. It is so funny how it comes down to one or the other because when you think about suffering then there are no other options except to release it and become a joyful noise, a happy song, a person with stamina and hope. Since I could not depend on one person I could feel sorry for Elliott and think that he was a bad person deserving to suffer. I started to select that at first and when I could not find the gun to put in my mouth and shoot myself I realized: "Oh Elliott you are not going to shoot yourself, you don't have a gun". Good think I say and so did my therapist.
As I have repeatedly shared my sister did kill herself. I almost don't like the word suicide because people chose in however small a way to die at their own hands and they have a right to it. Even though that sounds good it is not easy to digest and in fact I was very angry and sad about my sister putting a gun to her head and shooting herself to heaven. So for her each day was a choice to live or not live, to be happy or be sad, to be happy or to suffer. It was a choice. We all make that same choice except thank goodness we don't use a gun to make that last choice. Today I say that my sister decided that she was unworthy of living and that there was no one there to hold her. The truth is that there was not anyone there. Alone and in a hotel she ended her life. I can say that now without crying but the truth is that I cried for a week. It was funny because as my former wife might add I cleaned the floors every day for that week and cried making statements about how my sister could never be clean and good enough for a husband who abused her menatally and who I feel contributed to her death. Ok, I said it.
When we chose to be miserable and unhappy we chose to be sick. We accumulate this debt until it comes out of us in the form of some illness or another. We just keep beating and beating at our soul until we die inside and many times in a relationship that is not filling our heart and love place. I for one know that what I did I did to me. I allowed myself to be unhappy and stayed for years sometimes not knowing I had a choice. I felt beholding or I felt stuck or I felt like I needed another person to be complete. Now I no longer feel that way and although for some this seems simple for me it took this long painful journey where I was then finally so tired that I knew that the only choice was to be as happy as possible no matter what is going on in my life or who I perceived as an enemy. The fact is that we are our worse enemy for sure and most definately.
So now I ask you all to decide. Will you be happy or will you suffer? Make that choice every dam day of your life. Don't think you cannot be miserable if you don't want to. Be my guest and be as bad to yourself as you like. I did it for years and my question to Elliott is the same one I will ask you. How's that working for you? Dr. Phil's favorite magical question that makes so much sense. How is that working for you? It is the truth of who we are and become when we deicde that every day is going to be a good day in some way. It's like I shared with a friend. We are not our situation or circumstances, we are who we believe we are.
From: Mircacle Prayers by Susan Shumsky
I want to add to this: And you can "shine bright like a diamond" (Rihanna) or you can dim your light so that others feel comfortable or you are more "consumable".
This is how it went today for me. I woke up thinking that yesterday I'd been given my death sentence for my usual sixty seconds. Then I decided that just because one doctor thinks me cancerous and not curable that there is always the hope and the dream that I could become a healthy flourishing man, the one I am suppose to be. I can shine bright like a diamond and do things that make me happy like making myself a green smoothy and going to the gym to do the best workout possible in my beautifully limited way.
There is this revelation that you come to when you are with cancer and sixty and your husband walks out on you emotionally then physically. The revelation comes to you in a dream usually but mine just came to me while I was drinking my coffee one morning some months ago: I can chose to be happy or I can chose to be sad and suffer and be a fucking victim. I could be the "victim" that my husband told me I was or I could chose to be happy with the right here and now. It is so funny how it comes down to one or the other because when you think about suffering then there are no other options except to release it and become a joyful noise, a happy song, a person with stamina and hope. Since I could not depend on one person I could feel sorry for Elliott and think that he was a bad person deserving to suffer. I started to select that at first and when I could not find the gun to put in my mouth and shoot myself I realized: "Oh Elliott you are not going to shoot yourself, you don't have a gun". Good think I say and so did my therapist.
As I have repeatedly shared my sister did kill herself. I almost don't like the word suicide because people chose in however small a way to die at their own hands and they have a right to it. Even though that sounds good it is not easy to digest and in fact I was very angry and sad about my sister putting a gun to her head and shooting herself to heaven. So for her each day was a choice to live or not live, to be happy or be sad, to be happy or to suffer. It was a choice. We all make that same choice except thank goodness we don't use a gun to make that last choice. Today I say that my sister decided that she was unworthy of living and that there was no one there to hold her. The truth is that there was not anyone there. Alone and in a hotel she ended her life. I can say that now without crying but the truth is that I cried for a week. It was funny because as my former wife might add I cleaned the floors every day for that week and cried making statements about how my sister could never be clean and good enough for a husband who abused her menatally and who I feel contributed to her death. Ok, I said it.
When we chose to be miserable and unhappy we chose to be sick. We accumulate this debt until it comes out of us in the form of some illness or another. We just keep beating and beating at our soul until we die inside and many times in a relationship that is not filling our heart and love place. I for one know that what I did I did to me. I allowed myself to be unhappy and stayed for years sometimes not knowing I had a choice. I felt beholding or I felt stuck or I felt like I needed another person to be complete. Now I no longer feel that way and although for some this seems simple for me it took this long painful journey where I was then finally so tired that I knew that the only choice was to be as happy as possible no matter what is going on in my life or who I perceived as an enemy. The fact is that we are our worse enemy for sure and most definately.
So now I ask you all to decide. Will you be happy or will you suffer? Make that choice every dam day of your life. Don't think you cannot be miserable if you don't want to. Be my guest and be as bad to yourself as you like. I did it for years and my question to Elliott is the same one I will ask you. How's that working for you? Dr. Phil's favorite magical question that makes so much sense. How is that working for you? It is the truth of who we are and become when we deicde that every day is going to be a good day in some way. It's like I shared with a friend. We are not our situation or circumstances, we are who we believe we are.
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