4 Important Boundaries In Life
I like many of you have learned the hard way that boundaries are not just important but a reality of life. I like many of you have failed to set boundaries and have suffered the consequence of the lack of boundaries. Not just when I was in the situations but long afterwards. I want to assure all of you that I am not wanting pity or for any reader to worry about me. In fact, today I am in the process of setting more and more boundaries. As we all heal from our quest to set boundaries and had our boundaries have been crossed repeatedly. With all that said and before you begin to feel badly for me or for you here are some important boundaries:
1. Insist on Respectful Loving Language:
Decide with friends, lovers and co-workers that you never accept critical or unloving language. This is a boundary that you set by example when you treat others with respect and use compassionate words and language when you interact with them. As soon as a person crosses this boundary we must let them know it in a loving way. One of the highest level of boudaries is how you are treated and when you insist on loving language you have honored yourself and others beyond any other boundary in life.
2. Hold Your Sacred Space:
Have a place in your home that belongs mainly if not exclusively to you, a space where you pray or read or simply relax. That space is one in which the other people in your life hold sacred and must ask to enter or use that space. For some like a former friend of mine, it was her chair and ottoman. She asked that this comfy chair and ottoman be hers and hers alone in the living area. She shared that with me when I came to visit her and I did not give it a second thought as to why. I knew that was her setting her boundary to have a sacred space of her own. It is one of the healthiest boundaries one could have. It is that one sacred area that others must respect and not cross. In my case it is also my clothing and shoes. I don't like anyone wearing my things, even a robe unless I share it or I am asked. My clothes are my personal expression of Elliott and when someone dared put my shoes on or grab my coat and go out in it I was shocked. I thought that everyone had a boundary around their clothes or their personal belongings yet for this other person this was not the case. It was very evident that he did not learn boundaries even though he often stated that he did. My own personal way of getting my sacred space was to sleep in another bedroom when I needed to have that space or to go on a lone vacation. Sometimes setting boundaries that are spacial are the most difficult however they are the most imperitive.
3. Insist on Equity:
A boundary that I had a lot of trouble with was setting a tone of equity. I use to do more for my partner than he ever did for me. It was a ninety percent versus ten percent on his part. I would massage him, scratch his back, bathe him, pick up behind him and even do most of the "dirty work" needing to be addressed most times. I did not insist on equity and in fact I thought myself more important and valuable because I did more for him and did more around the house, as I slowly but surely became very resentful and angry. I did not set that boundary that needed to be set around housework and around nurturing in the relationship. As human beings we all need nurturing but what I found was that he needed it or pretended he needed it more. I was always the person who "did not need it" or "did not ask for it". I did however think that one day he'd wake up and see that I could use a little nurturing and back scratching of my own. That of course rarely happened because I continued to allow him to cross my boundaries by not doing his part and by doing more for him than he did for me. I was wrong for not setting the boundary from the start and staying in a relationship where I was resentful and upset much of the time. I had the expectation that he would learn that boundary and that he would not continue to take, take and take some more, but I was wrong and I did not help matters any by not setting the boundary of "equality". Insist on equality in relationship. That my friends is an important boundary.
1. Insist on Respectful Loving Language:
Decide with friends, lovers and co-workers that you never accept critical or unloving language. This is a boundary that you set by example when you treat others with respect and use compassionate words and language when you interact with them. As soon as a person crosses this boundary we must let them know it in a loving way. One of the highest level of boudaries is how you are treated and when you insist on loving language you have honored yourself and others beyond any other boundary in life.
2. Hold Your Sacred Space:
Have a place in your home that belongs mainly if not exclusively to you, a space where you pray or read or simply relax. That space is one in which the other people in your life hold sacred and must ask to enter or use that space. For some like a former friend of mine, it was her chair and ottoman. She asked that this comfy chair and ottoman be hers and hers alone in the living area. She shared that with me when I came to visit her and I did not give it a second thought as to why. I knew that was her setting her boundary to have a sacred space of her own. It is one of the healthiest boundaries one could have. It is that one sacred area that others must respect and not cross. In my case it is also my clothing and shoes. I don't like anyone wearing my things, even a robe unless I share it or I am asked. My clothes are my personal expression of Elliott and when someone dared put my shoes on or grab my coat and go out in it I was shocked. I thought that everyone had a boundary around their clothes or their personal belongings yet for this other person this was not the case. It was very evident that he did not learn boundaries even though he often stated that he did. My own personal way of getting my sacred space was to sleep in another bedroom when I needed to have that space or to go on a lone vacation. Sometimes setting boundaries that are spacial are the most difficult however they are the most imperitive.
3. Insist on Equity:
A boundary that I had a lot of trouble with was setting a tone of equity. I use to do more for my partner than he ever did for me. It was a ninety percent versus ten percent on his part. I would massage him, scratch his back, bathe him, pick up behind him and even do most of the "dirty work" needing to be addressed most times. I did not insist on equity and in fact I thought myself more important and valuable because I did more for him and did more around the house, as I slowly but surely became very resentful and angry. I did not set that boundary that needed to be set around housework and around nurturing in the relationship. As human beings we all need nurturing but what I found was that he needed it or pretended he needed it more. I was always the person who "did not need it" or "did not ask for it". I did however think that one day he'd wake up and see that I could use a little nurturing and back scratching of my own. That of course rarely happened because I continued to allow him to cross my boundaries by not doing his part and by doing more for him than he did for me. I was wrong for not setting the boundary from the start and staying in a relationship where I was resentful and upset much of the time. I had the expectation that he would learn that boundary and that he would not continue to take, take and take some more, but I was wrong and I did not help matters any by not setting the boundary of "equality". Insist on equality in relationship. That my friends is an important boundary.
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