Shaming and Blaming
I believe I have a deep knowledge of what it is like to be shamed and blamed. I also believe that almost every person I selected to be in my life intimately and closely were people who enjoyed shaming and blaming and perhaps were shamed themselves by their parents. We often find the person who will complete us whether in a negative way or a positive one but unfortunately most times in a way that is not good for us. We seem to find that very person who will help us fullfill the prophecy of whatever it is we were injured by and they take over where our parents left off. Being in a relationship of shaming and blaming is as damaging as any other type of emotional abuse. When we stay in these relationships we damage every part of who we are. But why then do we do it? Why, as many have asked me, do we stay in these abusive relationships where we are shamed or blamed for most of what we do either directly or indirectly? It is to put it simply a self fullfilling prophecy. We believe we need to continue to be shamed in order to feel alive and then when we are we feel less and less alive, our vibrant spirit dwindles into nothing. After many years of shame and blame we come up empty and we wonder why. The explanation is simple. We are and continued to be accustomed to what I call the slave master syndrome. We begin to become more and more convinced by the person who is shaming us that we are what they say we are, unworthy and deserving of nothing better.
The most subtle form of abuse is shame and blame. On the surface the person shaming us seems unable to understand us fully and has exactly what we have asked the universe for, a person to verify that what we were made to believe was true is accurate when in fact it is only our history folowing us and repeating itself. That is why we find the person who will shame us and blame us. We will find that person who believes herself or himself superior to us and a person who is convinced that they are in our life to correct us and make certain we stay in our place. They shame us as often as they can by insulting things we do, clothes we wear or the way we set a table. What this person has learned to do is to expertly get others to do what he or she wishes while doing as little or nothing in compensation. I think that shaming is a way to control someone else and that blame keeps that person shamed. It is a strategy that is used so often by parents that it is no surprise how often it is used in relationships we have with others.
Guilt is a form of shaming. Making someone feel guilty about something is a way to shame them and to keep them obligated to make you happy because they believe they have to. When we guilt others into doing things for us we are making them feel badly so that we can achieve what we want or what we desire. I have had my share of men in my life who were disfunctional in some manner and at times in many ways. I found that these men used guilt and shaming to get what they wanted every day and often. They msut have been guilted themselves or they would not know this art of shaming so perfectly well. It is the abuse of power by their parents that created the shamer and the blamer. The fact that their mother did not respect their boundaries is the very reason they do not respect others boundaries. When a shamer shames others he or she crosses the most sacred lines. They take advantage of the fact that someone loves them in the way they loved their mother or father when they were shamed and insulted. They are only passing on the practice they know so well.
I wish I could say that I have some compassion for people who use shame to control and manipulate others with the pretence of love or of caring about them. The truth is that I find the behavior unacceptable and an abuse of power when one knows that someone loves them and will believe what they say. So often times we meet the very people who will shame and blame us until we decide that we have nothing to be ashamed of and that the person shaming us is an abuser.
It is possible for us to shame ourselves and compromise our own emotional state of mind as well as our spiritual balance. We are very good at shaming and blaming ourselves and we need be sensitive to the manner in which we talk to ourselves. It is that vulnerable state we are in that invites others to join in on shaming us and blaming us for things we may have little or nothing to do with. We must know who we are and we must know above all else our worth. It is then and only then that we can navigate a life where we feel loved and complete on our own.
The most subtle form of abuse is shame and blame. On the surface the person shaming us seems unable to understand us fully and has exactly what we have asked the universe for, a person to verify that what we were made to believe was true is accurate when in fact it is only our history folowing us and repeating itself. That is why we find the person who will shame us and blame us. We will find that person who believes herself or himself superior to us and a person who is convinced that they are in our life to correct us and make certain we stay in our place. They shame us as often as they can by insulting things we do, clothes we wear or the way we set a table. What this person has learned to do is to expertly get others to do what he or she wishes while doing as little or nothing in compensation. I think that shaming is a way to control someone else and that blame keeps that person shamed. It is a strategy that is used so often by parents that it is no surprise how often it is used in relationships we have with others.
Guilt is a form of shaming. Making someone feel guilty about something is a way to shame them and to keep them obligated to make you happy because they believe they have to. When we guilt others into doing things for us we are making them feel badly so that we can achieve what we want or what we desire. I have had my share of men in my life who were disfunctional in some manner and at times in many ways. I found that these men used guilt and shaming to get what they wanted every day and often. They msut have been guilted themselves or they would not know this art of shaming so perfectly well. It is the abuse of power by their parents that created the shamer and the blamer. The fact that their mother did not respect their boundaries is the very reason they do not respect others boundaries. When a shamer shames others he or she crosses the most sacred lines. They take advantage of the fact that someone loves them in the way they loved their mother or father when they were shamed and insulted. They are only passing on the practice they know so well.
I wish I could say that I have some compassion for people who use shame to control and manipulate others with the pretence of love or of caring about them. The truth is that I find the behavior unacceptable and an abuse of power when one knows that someone loves them and will believe what they say. So often times we meet the very people who will shame and blame us until we decide that we have nothing to be ashamed of and that the person shaming us is an abuser.
It is possible for us to shame ourselves and compromise our own emotional state of mind as well as our spiritual balance. We are very good at shaming and blaming ourselves and we need be sensitive to the manner in which we talk to ourselves. It is that vulnerable state we are in that invites others to join in on shaming us and blaming us for things we may have little or nothing to do with. We must know who we are and we must know above all else our worth. It is then and only then that we can navigate a life where we feel loved and complete on our own.
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