Honesty: The Fine Line
Yesterday I wrote an email to someone about not showing up for an interview and about canceling the second interview and demonstration in the area of my talent as a salsa dancer. I recall being excited about the interview and as is usual for me I prepared every detail. My home and what I was to wear. I rarely iron and I ironed a white shirt and my black pants. I picked a silk bow tie and a sweater with a zipper front in black wool. My home looked beautiful and so did I. When it was time for the interviewer to be picked up at the train station I got in my car and just out of random thought checked my messages. She had canceled. At first it was that "there was no conductor on the train and the train just left". Then it was that she did not have cash to pay on the traiin and there was no ATM. Whatever her truth was started to smell fishy to me. We had a second part to the interveiw where I would demonstrate the dance at a dance studio. I had made plans to book the studio and have two of my favorite female partners there to help me demonstrate. I also invited some family and friends to attend for a short lesson. I did a lot of planning and a lot of hours went into every detail. Admittedly I am a perfectionist at heart and am working on that but the fact remains that I did all this work and then she cancels the second part of the interview after I had responded that there may be time for the interview portion then another email that she would need to be there early and plan on staying for an hour and then a half hour afterward, to which she responded by canceling the demo portion as well.
I have been working on my connection with others and mainly my boundaries. I admit this situation disappointed me but moreover it wasted a few hours of my time. As a sixty year old man with a health issue that is serious I just value my time much more than ever. I thought and thought about it and then decided to email her and let her know how I felt and that her behavior felt irresponisble and that I felt she wasted my time. I added that I would not hire her as a photographer because I would be concerned about her doing her due deligence and showing up for the event. I did not hold back even though there was a part of me that wanted to simply say that she was a flake for doing what she did by setting appointments, not showing up, not doing the research and not canceling but I did not do that. As it turned out this young lady was someone who knew someone who was connected to me and had heard I was an avid salsa dancer for years and had taught it. Hence the initial contact. I am uncertain as to whether it was FaceBook or what social way the connection happened. In th long run I didn't care. What mattered for me was that my time is valuable and that I needed to say something about it. I felt like I was very honest but not rude, however, a person who I copied it to did not agree with me. She felt I was harsh, but with all the love I have for her I disagreed with her and still do not agree.
Settng our boundaries means that we must lay down some rules and lay down our pride and say what we feel. I was hurt and disappointed and also felt that this was a person who acted unprofessional. I expressed that and today I don't apologize for it. Being in my own honesty about things is more and more important to me and letting things just slide by is not helpful to my health and my well being. Allowing someone to think it is OK to be dismissive of me is only going to hurt me and make me feel poorly as if I deserved it. My time is valuable and others need to know that just as they make me aware of it. People will not always agree with you on how you address things and that is OK. I sent the copy only because of the casual connection and in case it came back to her so she knew what I said rather than to hear it from another source. As casual relationships come and go in my life I am happy to say that I am the one who usually reaches out to strangers as do my wonderful kids. We area family who reach out to others and share our family with some who need a family like connection. I overextend myself to help others and in fact was interviewed by another person about my background in education as a favor to someone who is an aquaintance of many years and who has not called me to say hello but to ask me for a favor which I did NOT mind. In fact it turned out well and everything she said she was going to do she did. Perhaps because she was a more mature and older person but for me no matter what a committment is a committment and when you make a date it is important to honor that person and show up on time and do what you say you are going to do.
Today I am a different person. I feel like I have more conviction and that I demand more of me and more of others in the area of being kind and present, using my time precisely and in a way that honors my value. I have made mistakes in my life on how I have dealt with people. My intention is to not continue to ignore situations when I feel disresepcted or not honored for my talents and my time. I am still healng that part of me. I am still in a place where I don't know exactly how it's done but giving myself permission to say what is hurting me or bothering me or not in a loving place for me. I want to encourage all my readers to stand up for yourself in the best way you know how and to be present and responsive, doing what you say you are going to do, not for someone else but for yourself.
I have been working on my connection with others and mainly my boundaries. I admit this situation disappointed me but moreover it wasted a few hours of my time. As a sixty year old man with a health issue that is serious I just value my time much more than ever. I thought and thought about it and then decided to email her and let her know how I felt and that her behavior felt irresponisble and that I felt she wasted my time. I added that I would not hire her as a photographer because I would be concerned about her doing her due deligence and showing up for the event. I did not hold back even though there was a part of me that wanted to simply say that she was a flake for doing what she did by setting appointments, not showing up, not doing the research and not canceling but I did not do that. As it turned out this young lady was someone who knew someone who was connected to me and had heard I was an avid salsa dancer for years and had taught it. Hence the initial contact. I am uncertain as to whether it was FaceBook or what social way the connection happened. In th long run I didn't care. What mattered for me was that my time is valuable and that I needed to say something about it. I felt like I was very honest but not rude, however, a person who I copied it to did not agree with me. She felt I was harsh, but with all the love I have for her I disagreed with her and still do not agree.
Settng our boundaries means that we must lay down some rules and lay down our pride and say what we feel. I was hurt and disappointed and also felt that this was a person who acted unprofessional. I expressed that and today I don't apologize for it. Being in my own honesty about things is more and more important to me and letting things just slide by is not helpful to my health and my well being. Allowing someone to think it is OK to be dismissive of me is only going to hurt me and make me feel poorly as if I deserved it. My time is valuable and others need to know that just as they make me aware of it. People will not always agree with you on how you address things and that is OK. I sent the copy only because of the casual connection and in case it came back to her so she knew what I said rather than to hear it from another source. As casual relationships come and go in my life I am happy to say that I am the one who usually reaches out to strangers as do my wonderful kids. We area family who reach out to others and share our family with some who need a family like connection. I overextend myself to help others and in fact was interviewed by another person about my background in education as a favor to someone who is an aquaintance of many years and who has not called me to say hello but to ask me for a favor which I did NOT mind. In fact it turned out well and everything she said she was going to do she did. Perhaps because she was a more mature and older person but for me no matter what a committment is a committment and when you make a date it is important to honor that person and show up on time and do what you say you are going to do.
Today I am a different person. I feel like I have more conviction and that I demand more of me and more of others in the area of being kind and present, using my time precisely and in a way that honors my value. I have made mistakes in my life on how I have dealt with people. My intention is to not continue to ignore situations when I feel disresepcted or not honored for my talents and my time. I am still healng that part of me. I am still in a place where I don't know exactly how it's done but giving myself permission to say what is hurting me or bothering me or not in a loving place for me. I want to encourage all my readers to stand up for yourself in the best way you know how and to be present and responsive, doing what you say you are going to do, not for someone else but for yourself.
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