5 Languages of Love
I use to ask my former partner to use "love language" with me and that by doing so he or she would get more of me, the part that was loving. Unfortunately like all the other suggestions I would make it was seen as psycho babble and not implemented. Others in my life would ask: Does he or she not get that you have studied human emotions and have skills in this area? Of course my response was a flat NO, because it was my observation. Even though it did not work out for me I would still like to share five loviing languages strategies to try out on your loved ones:
1. "I understand how you feel"
Letting someone know that you understand how they feel with those exact words makes deflates that upset and increases the chances that he or she will soften up even if they are very upset. It is affirming their feelings and is a loving way to let them know you understand but not only to you understand you acknowledge their feelings as valid. It does not mean you agree and you don't have to say that to them but it does say you are compassionate and you get what they are saying or sharing with you. It is an easy loving language that helps matters of the heart immensely.
2. "I will do my best to accomodate you"
These words say that you will not only listen to a concern but that you will do your best to be aligned with this person's feelings and do something about it, not just listen to the concern or feeling but promise to accomodate them the next time. Accomodate them means to do things that affirm them and that will avoid the same thing happening again. For example if the complaint is that you are not doing enough in the home this response says you will do better to participate in cleaning and upkeep of the home.
3. "I am sorry I hurt your feelings"
An aplogy is worth a million kisses and flowers. Just admitting that you may have done someting to hurt someone else makes them feel better. It does not matter whether you are guilty or feel quilty about what you said or did to hurt the person. Aplogizing is a another way of deflating the anger or the upset. Some of us have so much ego and we never apologize but the fact remains that an aplogy goes a long way and we have to be willing to admit our mistakes in order to be in a healthy relationship. An apology is loving language that says that you care about how someone feels after they say you hurt them or you feel you hurt them.
4. "What can I do to Help?"
This question is loving because it asks the other person you love to tell you what they need to feel better. When someone shares that they feel upset, angry or jealous these loviing words tell them that you care and that you are willing to serve them and to help them feel better. You are taking on a task that is loving rather than to share how "ridiculous" they are behaving or feelings. That is negating their feelings and something we do too often instead of offering to help.
5. "I love you, would you like to talk about how you feel?
This loving langauge question is one that we ask because we want our partner to know we care. Instead of saying "What is wrong?" or "Why are you crying?" we ask a softer question that does not make it so that this person has to explain it but rather share their feeling. It immediately says that in some way you already know that their feeling is valid and that you are not quesitoning their feeling. It opens up the person to talk about it and to simply go into the feelings and not why. The why quesiton asks someone to explaiin their feelings when in fact that is not necessary. It only matters that they are feeling their feelings and that you are willng to listen to what they have to say. It simplimfies the situation and it is put in a loving way with loving words.
1. "I understand how you feel"
Letting someone know that you understand how they feel with those exact words makes deflates that upset and increases the chances that he or she will soften up even if they are very upset. It is affirming their feelings and is a loving way to let them know you understand but not only to you understand you acknowledge their feelings as valid. It does not mean you agree and you don't have to say that to them but it does say you are compassionate and you get what they are saying or sharing with you. It is an easy loving language that helps matters of the heart immensely.
2. "I will do my best to accomodate you"
These words say that you will not only listen to a concern but that you will do your best to be aligned with this person's feelings and do something about it, not just listen to the concern or feeling but promise to accomodate them the next time. Accomodate them means to do things that affirm them and that will avoid the same thing happening again. For example if the complaint is that you are not doing enough in the home this response says you will do better to participate in cleaning and upkeep of the home.
3. "I am sorry I hurt your feelings"
An aplogy is worth a million kisses and flowers. Just admitting that you may have done someting to hurt someone else makes them feel better. It does not matter whether you are guilty or feel quilty about what you said or did to hurt the person. Aplogizing is a another way of deflating the anger or the upset. Some of us have so much ego and we never apologize but the fact remains that an aplogy goes a long way and we have to be willing to admit our mistakes in order to be in a healthy relationship. An apology is loving language that says that you care about how someone feels after they say you hurt them or you feel you hurt them.
4. "What can I do to Help?"
This question is loving because it asks the other person you love to tell you what they need to feel better. When someone shares that they feel upset, angry or jealous these loviing words tell them that you care and that you are willing to serve them and to help them feel better. You are taking on a task that is loving rather than to share how "ridiculous" they are behaving or feelings. That is negating their feelings and something we do too often instead of offering to help.
5. "I love you, would you like to talk about how you feel?
This loving langauge question is one that we ask because we want our partner to know we care. Instead of saying "What is wrong?" or "Why are you crying?" we ask a softer question that does not make it so that this person has to explain it but rather share their feeling. It immediately says that in some way you already know that their feeling is valid and that you are not quesitoning their feeling. It opens up the person to talk about it and to simply go into the feelings and not why. The why quesiton asks someone to explaiin their feelings when in fact that is not necessary. It only matters that they are feeling their feelings and that you are willng to listen to what they have to say. It simplimfies the situation and it is put in a loving way with loving words.
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