Being Abandoned: How That Feels
Today I want to write a little bit about how it feels to be abandoned and the long term effect it has had on me and maybe others who have had this happen to them. It is not a new concept or happening and is as old as time. God was forsaken and many of us have as well. Although I don't recommend you relive it unless you are ready I will say that I feel ready to share my own personal story about that empty feeling when someone abandons you.
My story begins with my father who left my mother when I was six years old. My mother and him had a very rocky relationship and in fact it seems to me it was at times abusive. I only remember my parents in conflict and my father as a womanizer. I can only recall two scenarios with my father, one where he is holding me as we sit on the sofa, one where he is htting me in bed for not going to sleep on time and the other when I accidently walked into the bathroom and he was getting out of the shower and started to shout at me. I also recall him being a mechanic and working at Ford motor company. The fact is that he and I are twins and that we look so much alike no one would need to ask him if I was his son, yet at 19 when I called him he did not recall my name. Today he lives in California with his wife and his girlfriend as I understand it and although there are times when I am curious to know him it is very short lived. I see him as a man who happens to be named on my birth certificate under father. His leaving me, leaving all of us left a terrible dent in my life and although my grandfather took over for him there were many times when I wished for a father, even hoping my mother would marry someone who would serve as my father. That never happened and to be very honest there is still a feeling of emptiness around the topic of dads. I questioned why he left us and what I did to make him leave but today realize that it was not my fault at all and a choice he and my mother made, specifically he made. I never saw him again but won't eliminate the idea that part of my whole healing might not include facing him one time. That abandonment by him was difficult but yet it made me a better father because I knew what not to do and how much pain it could of caused my children.
Then my younger sister abadoned me in my opinion by comitting suicide. One day I woke up on October 23 and there was a call on the phone from Cook County Hospital telling me that I needed to go to an address and find out the condition of my sister's accident. As it turns out the address was the county morg and my sister had killed herself with a gun to the head. I will never forget that day and I am unsure that I have been healed completely from that loss and feeling of abandonment. Why, if she loved me, would she choose to die? It was hard for me to understand it and to not be upset with her at leaving me during a time in my life when I felt like I was getting close to her. What I came to understand was that she made a decision based on what she felt and that she must have been very destraut to do such a thing. Still it was for me like an abandonment on her part. Why did she not want to live for our relationship? Did I not mean enough to her for her to live to be my sister and love me? That experience was one of the worse in my life. I am uncertain as to why I felt abandoned by her but I did. Still I forgave myself and her and today she remains a beautiful thought in my head about a person who was so beautiful and kind I still would have loved for her to be here with me. I am grateful to have another sister and now accept that she could not stay on this earth where navigating life can be tough at times.
About a year ago I found out I had cancer. I wanted to give a holistic approach a chance. I felt like I had nothing to loose. Unfortunately that was not supported by my partner and his family who never supported him. After only a few weeeks I started to bleed too much and had to come home and get the surgery I dreaded. Shortly after that my husband abandoned me. I wish it would have been sweet and short but it was long and painful. It started with an emotional shutting down and it went from that to more overt unkind comments and behaviors. Then on two occassions he tried to kiss me when I was sadated in the hospital, one time repeating: "tell me you love me". I was given the ultimate insult when he reminded me I was on his insurance and his mother asked me why I'd not thrown her son a surprise birthday party. It was as though I had asked for cancer to happen to me and I was blamed and shamed and even referred to as a "victim" and comments made to me like "this is not all about you". On one occasion I asked him to bathe me when in truth it took everything out of me to ask to which he said NO. To say that I was abandoned emotionally and physically is an underestimation. What my father did was nothing by comparison. What happened with my sister paled by comparison. I was devestated and hurt beyond repair. Shortly after the operation he walked out on me and left the home accusing me of facilitating it, blaming and shaming me because I was angry at his passive agressive bullying behavior and said so. This of course put a period on what was already a bad relationship. In the end he did me a favor in a way because it forced me to love myslef more than at any other time. I say he cured me. He cured me of my need to fix someone else or make them into something they were not. In his words "make a stove out of a refrigerator.
When we are abandoned by a person who claims to love us we are just learning a truth. That person does not love us enough. In fact he or she loves themselves more and it jolts us into the truth that we need to love ourselves more clearly and with more faith. We must adopt our own faith because the faith we had in someone else was in fact false faith. It was an illuson. One that we often create in situations of pain and desperation. The reality is that there are more people who are not able to get tough when the going is rough. My sister referred to it as coward behavior but I refer to it as someone elses pain not being healed and that manifesting into a lack of intimacy and inabiltiy to show up when things are tough. I know that my reaction would have been different but that does not matter. What matters is that I accept what i and what is may not be what I expected. Many times it is what we don't expect that teaches us our life lesson. It seperates the men from the boys and the girls from the women. It is what it is and although this may seem simple it is the truth about relationship. Loyalty is different from love. Courage is different from love. Intention is different from love. All three are more than love and it takes a tough and courageous and life smart person to put them all together. Relationship is a life skill and there are many people who were not raised with that brand of love. In fact their parents did not teach that skill. Loyalty cannot be taught once a person is molded into a person who thinks mostly about what their cash in is in relationship. What they get and what they receive. is much more important than what they give and they choose what they will give and it will be what they like to do at their convenience. If not then they fail and they would rather fail and blame than to do the work involved in making a realationship work. My friend put it bluntly "cheap with their money and their feelings." I say cheap with their time and effort as well.
What are you doing and not doing in your relationship? What work are you willing to do in relationship? What work have you done in your relationship? BE hoest and take your inventory. When the going gets tough will you have the courage to do the work needed?
My story begins with my father who left my mother when I was six years old. My mother and him had a very rocky relationship and in fact it seems to me it was at times abusive. I only remember my parents in conflict and my father as a womanizer. I can only recall two scenarios with my father, one where he is holding me as we sit on the sofa, one where he is htting me in bed for not going to sleep on time and the other when I accidently walked into the bathroom and he was getting out of the shower and started to shout at me. I also recall him being a mechanic and working at Ford motor company. The fact is that he and I are twins and that we look so much alike no one would need to ask him if I was his son, yet at 19 when I called him he did not recall my name. Today he lives in California with his wife and his girlfriend as I understand it and although there are times when I am curious to know him it is very short lived. I see him as a man who happens to be named on my birth certificate under father. His leaving me, leaving all of us left a terrible dent in my life and although my grandfather took over for him there were many times when I wished for a father, even hoping my mother would marry someone who would serve as my father. That never happened and to be very honest there is still a feeling of emptiness around the topic of dads. I questioned why he left us and what I did to make him leave but today realize that it was not my fault at all and a choice he and my mother made, specifically he made. I never saw him again but won't eliminate the idea that part of my whole healing might not include facing him one time. That abandonment by him was difficult but yet it made me a better father because I knew what not to do and how much pain it could of caused my children.
Then my younger sister abadoned me in my opinion by comitting suicide. One day I woke up on October 23 and there was a call on the phone from Cook County Hospital telling me that I needed to go to an address and find out the condition of my sister's accident. As it turns out the address was the county morg and my sister had killed herself with a gun to the head. I will never forget that day and I am unsure that I have been healed completely from that loss and feeling of abandonment. Why, if she loved me, would she choose to die? It was hard for me to understand it and to not be upset with her at leaving me during a time in my life when I felt like I was getting close to her. What I came to understand was that she made a decision based on what she felt and that she must have been very destraut to do such a thing. Still it was for me like an abandonment on her part. Why did she not want to live for our relationship? Did I not mean enough to her for her to live to be my sister and love me? That experience was one of the worse in my life. I am uncertain as to why I felt abandoned by her but I did. Still I forgave myself and her and today she remains a beautiful thought in my head about a person who was so beautiful and kind I still would have loved for her to be here with me. I am grateful to have another sister and now accept that she could not stay on this earth where navigating life can be tough at times.
About a year ago I found out I had cancer. I wanted to give a holistic approach a chance. I felt like I had nothing to loose. Unfortunately that was not supported by my partner and his family who never supported him. After only a few weeeks I started to bleed too much and had to come home and get the surgery I dreaded. Shortly after that my husband abandoned me. I wish it would have been sweet and short but it was long and painful. It started with an emotional shutting down and it went from that to more overt unkind comments and behaviors. Then on two occassions he tried to kiss me when I was sadated in the hospital, one time repeating: "tell me you love me". I was given the ultimate insult when he reminded me I was on his insurance and his mother asked me why I'd not thrown her son a surprise birthday party. It was as though I had asked for cancer to happen to me and I was blamed and shamed and even referred to as a "victim" and comments made to me like "this is not all about you". On one occasion I asked him to bathe me when in truth it took everything out of me to ask to which he said NO. To say that I was abandoned emotionally and physically is an underestimation. What my father did was nothing by comparison. What happened with my sister paled by comparison. I was devestated and hurt beyond repair. Shortly after the operation he walked out on me and left the home accusing me of facilitating it, blaming and shaming me because I was angry at his passive agressive bullying behavior and said so. This of course put a period on what was already a bad relationship. In the end he did me a favor in a way because it forced me to love myslef more than at any other time. I say he cured me. He cured me of my need to fix someone else or make them into something they were not. In his words "make a stove out of a refrigerator.
When we are abandoned by a person who claims to love us we are just learning a truth. That person does not love us enough. In fact he or she loves themselves more and it jolts us into the truth that we need to love ourselves more clearly and with more faith. We must adopt our own faith because the faith we had in someone else was in fact false faith. It was an illuson. One that we often create in situations of pain and desperation. The reality is that there are more people who are not able to get tough when the going is rough. My sister referred to it as coward behavior but I refer to it as someone elses pain not being healed and that manifesting into a lack of intimacy and inabiltiy to show up when things are tough. I know that my reaction would have been different but that does not matter. What matters is that I accept what i and what is may not be what I expected. Many times it is what we don't expect that teaches us our life lesson. It seperates the men from the boys and the girls from the women. It is what it is and although this may seem simple it is the truth about relationship. Loyalty is different from love. Courage is different from love. Intention is different from love. All three are more than love and it takes a tough and courageous and life smart person to put them all together. Relationship is a life skill and there are many people who were not raised with that brand of love. In fact their parents did not teach that skill. Loyalty cannot be taught once a person is molded into a person who thinks mostly about what their cash in is in relationship. What they get and what they receive. is much more important than what they give and they choose what they will give and it will be what they like to do at their convenience. If not then they fail and they would rather fail and blame than to do the work involved in making a realationship work. My friend put it bluntly "cheap with their money and their feelings." I say cheap with their time and effort as well.
What are you doing and not doing in your relationship? What work are you willing to do in relationship? What work have you done in your relationship? BE hoest and take your inventory. When the going gets tough will you have the courage to do the work needed?
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